[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
craving $300 all of a sudden
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no