Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Never forget.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time