When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…