ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.