Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Our lord and savoury.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer