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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.