Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie