The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.