I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.