toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.