Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
sry
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.