Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
What an awful time to have common sense.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.