If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.