[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.