I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.