You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
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Flock of bats
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.