so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Florida be like…
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.