Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Breaking news:
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week