That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.