When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.