My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
another case of gang violins
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Got ya covered
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Brands during Pride
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.