Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.