Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started