[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”