Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow