If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..