“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨