After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom