Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.