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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Rambo Rambow
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.