I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Selfie