Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Please let me in.. 😂
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.