When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE