if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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when someone compliments me
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.