10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Bootstraps
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off