Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”