If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes