Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Aight bet
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Saw online –
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.