If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.