At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
TRAIN’S HERE
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run