It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I am HOWLING at this
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay