The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t