That’s a good costume, I hope.
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I’m sorry…what?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.