You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Time for evil
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Is this you?