eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Let鈥檚 move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I鈥檇 nearly have a Euro.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
It hurts? That鈥檚 the body鈥檚 way of showing you it鈥檚 healing.
It doesn鈥檛 hurt? That鈥檚 the body鈥檚 way of showing you it鈥檚 healing.
– Doctors
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Will you 馃拲馃拲 meow meow 馃拲馃拲 me?
Guys I鈥檝e misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.馃
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I鈥檓 worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it鈥檚 a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I鈥檇 like a progress bar over people鈥檚 heads so you can tell if they鈥檙e almost finished telling long stories or not.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it鈥檚 important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.