I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.