Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not