Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?