What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.