I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
You Might Also Like
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times